1. If a serious poll was taken at the next Rangers home game as to whether the fans have had enough of Dancing Larry, what would the result be? Answer: Fire him if the Rangers lose; retire him when they win.
2. If Chris Drury had the opportunity to redo the Igor Shesterkin – highest-paid goalie contract – would he redo it? Answer: In a New York half-second.
3. How do you account for the inconsistency in K’Andre Miller’s game? Answer: He’s inconsistent!
4. You, Mister Maven, told us that J.T. Miller would be the “New Mark Messier.” What do you say about that now, wise guy? Answer: That’s why my nickname isn’t “The Flawless Hockey Maven.”
5. Do you think coach Peter Laviolette holds grudges against certain players? Answer: Why are you asking me that question? Go ask Zac Jones, Jacob Trouba, or Matt Rempe. Then, duck!
6. How come Alexis Lafrenière isn’t playing better hockey? Answer: Go see the movie, “Take The Money And Run.”
7. What ever happened to the New York Americans? Answer: Don’t you read the papers? They became the Rangers.
8. Why did the Rangers fire Gerard Gallant; he seemed to know his hockey? Answer: He did; Chris Drury didn’t.
9. Where would you rather see Dancing Larry’s Ridiculous Rubber Man act? Answer: Behind the Rangers bench; and if that doesn’t work; behind the desk that says GENERAL MANAGER.
10. What do you call the dance that Dancing Larry does? Answer: If I told you, you’d tell me to get a subscription to Better Homes and Gardens.
11. How can the Rangers avoid getting those silly “too many men on the ice” penalties?Answer: Lavvy has to ditch his computer and buy an abacus!
12. If the Rangers fourth line plays so well, why does Laviolette ration their ice time? Answer: I already told you; the coach needs an abacus. (Actually, I don’t really know but, you finally figured out how I can end this silly column!)
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